Things Worth Changing
by keyascribe
Summary: It's Souji's birthday, but Hijikata is the one is growing up.  A two-shot now complete!
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: Totally not mine! Also please read the A/N about the birth of the story not being mine, either.

WARNINGS: T stuff. (o.O) Geez, I knew Hijikata was going to make me do a sex scene one of these days . . . . Also a bit of language.

A/N: I suddenly felt like something sweet, which can't happen in Gintama, so decided to pay a visit to my other favorite Hijikata/Okita pair.

So ages ago, Moonraven very kindly gave me permission to take the premise of the story _Come What May_ and make it into a Hijikata/Okita bone fide romance. Basically, my version just ignores the last several paragraphs of the original (extremely good) story – and if you haven't read Moonraven's work, it's an awesome collection and you should! A couple of italicized lines are from the original, as is the general idea of Okita and Hijikata's last few lines of conversation.

The mature stuff in this part is, believe it or not, **not** the point of the story! It's just, you know, Hijikata Toshizou . . . . .

* * *

Things Worth Changing

* * *

It had been a hell of a night . A hell of a stupid, botched up, unbelievably frustrating night during which Hijikata Toshizou had dealt with prostitutes, robbers, and Okita Souji, (the first being interrupted by the third due to the advent of the second) and had, in the course of one very busy evening protected the whores from the thieves while more importantly valiantly refraining from taking advantage of numerous opportunities to, well, take _advantage_ of Souji. It was only too bad that feeling virtuous didn't mean much when you didn't particularly like virtue, which was why Hijikata was currently Japan's most glowering, teeth-grinding paragon of decency.

But Souji was Souji still, unmarked by the thought of desire, though not by the thug's knife, which had been breathtakingly close to a tendon-severing slash across the arm.

The prostitutes had been the point of the night, a dubious birthday present to Souji from Kondou and Yamanami, and himself being assigned as an even more dubious escort. The thieves had been just dumb – would have been, at least, if not for that lucky swipe that had cut a thin line across Souji's arm and turned Hijikata's own vision red with not panic but rage that someone had dared touch _his_ – whatever Okita was. Which was whatever Okita wasn't _supposed_ to be.

So yes, it had been a hell of a night, and even though Souji had been there, he didn't know the half of it.

Hijikata had borne with his duty, had sent Souji down that hall with the giggling girl - away from him – and then there had been those unexpected and deeply unintelligent thieves, trying to rob the house of ill repute. But taking down some dumb thugs was nothing compared to letting Souji walk down that hall, compared to seeing his pale arm dripping hot blood -

Basically, Hijikata's heart (always by preference little-used to exertion anyway) had been taking a beating this night. And as soon as he could find some way to take it out on Kondou, the better.

And then there was the rebound of emotion, even stronger in its own way . . . First finding out that Souji had simply frittered his time away playing card games for candy stakes, the young man sighing so innocently _why is everyone so interested in my love life? _And him automatically replying _what love life, it's only sex; _hearing his shy hopes _I would want it to be with someone I love,_ and realizing he wished the same for Souji even as he wished _for_ Souji, was still _reeling_ from the pure panic of seeing the blood on akin that should never be bleeding . . . absolutely, Hijikata was going to pound Kondou into the ground next practice match in retribution of the idiot's putting them through so much.

And then he made some off-hand joke about Souji not thinking he was serious when he said he wanted Souji to be happy, and Souji had turned to him with that smile, the one that turned everything else into a far-off background, and said "_I know you do, Hijikata-san. It is very important to me."_

And maybe it had been a long, strange night, and maybe Hijikata, too, was allowed his moments of weakness, but something in the soft, unhesitating way Souji said the words was too much. Not for his body, Hijikata could overrule that, it, but whatever part of him wanted Souji safe and protected for all time, just as perfectly innocent as this even as he moved to destroy that innocence, made him stop and put a hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"Souji . . . ." he said, and it was half a sigh, half a question.

Uncertain but always so trusting, Souji stopped walking as well, stood waiting with eyes full of moonlight.

Slowly, half cursing himself, Hijikata moved the hand touching the tensai, to the younger man's smooth face, resting his fingers along the clean line of the jaw, and bent his head down to meet Souji's lips with his own.

It was supposed to be a chaste touch of momentary warmth, just a gentle knock on the door of possibilities, nothing to demand or push, something to instantly stop the moment Souji pulled away. Hijikata was sure he would, duck playfully down and march along the road accusing Hijikata of teasing him.

The fact that Souji didn't pull back, then, might have been the change in calculations that caused Hijikata to deepen the kiss before he even knew he had, instinctively nudging his lips open with his tongue, pulling the younger man closer as their mouths moved silently together. . . .

It was just one kiss, but Hijikata was dizzy by the time he broke the contact. His heart was beating a singsong erratic pitch of arousal and sheer bloody panic and it took all his considerable courage to look back at the tensai. Souji stood stockstill, no disgust or terror on his face, but looking so unbelievably surprised and young that Hijikata felt like nailing himself to a wall somewhere in penance.

"So you can at least say you got a kiss for your birthday," he said hoarsely, not quite looking at the boy he had just partially molested.

"H-hai," Souji said quietly. "Thank you, Hijikata-san."

There was nothing seductive about the boy's tone, but suddenly Hijikata was as glad as any teenager that the night and his dark kimono were covering his reaction to the words. Souji's taste his lingered on his lips, slightly sweet from candy, achingly pure . . . .

"Let's get back," Hijikata managed gruffly, wheeling back down the road before he either begged forgiveness or grabbed Souji again – and he honestly didn't know which the tensai might prefer. "You have practice tomorrow and should get some sleep."

He didn't look around but something anxious eased, and then clenched anew, in his chest when he heard the soft footsteps of Souji following him.

They walked in silence to the dojo. Once inside, Souji seemed to hesitate, stealing a glance at Hijikata for the first time since the road, eyes looking dark and wide through falling hair. "Hijikata-san-" he began hesitatingly.

"Good night, Souji," Hijikata said harshly, cutting the boy off.

Whatever it was, Hijikata didn't want to hear it. He felt bone weary from trying not to panic, from restraining himself from throwing Souji down and having his way with him. He couldn't do any more thinking – if he had been doing any thinking at all – right now.

Souji nodded, expression clouded in a cascade of hair. The figure looked so forlorn that Hijikata had to add, to soften the mess he had created, "We'll talk tomorrow."

He hurried away without letting Souji answer. It was the first time he had ever run away out of fear.

* * *

The next day dawned bright and blue and if smoldering murderous angst could have physically affected the weather, Hijikata's self-loathing would have sent up a tsunami in an instant. He hadn't slept, torn between worry about Souji and lust about Souji and the knowledge that very soon something had to happen about what he had done. And somehow this time, everything that had always been so simple for countless flings in the past – either the other person wanted it and so it happened or they didn't and so he found someone else – was in no way simple at all.

He had to work with Souji, he had to see Souji . . . and the worst part of it was that even now, the feel of Souji's mouth, Souji's body against his arms, was burning a path of desire through him that was nearly driving him crazy.

Because, he couldn't stop the tiny hot whisper in his mind, even if Souji hadn't exactly participated, he hadn't pulled away . . . .

Eventually, because when you live in a dojo you can't just spend all day lying on the floor of your room, hard and moaning the name of the young kenjutsu instructor your best friend employs, Hijikata hauled himself up, and staggered out bleakly to meet the obscenely cheerful day.

"Ah, Toshi, there you are," Kondou hailed him briskly as Hijikata stood blinking in the late morning sun. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor and oversee classes this afternoon. I have to run into town and can't do it today."

Hijikata, fighting down the sudden feeling that any instant Kondou would pull out a sword and demand he commit seppuku for molesting the boy he had supposed to have been introducing to whores the night before, frowned as the actual words of his friend penetrated his morose fog of jumbled emotion.

"Why isn't Souji doing it like usual?" he asked, breath suddenly catching at the image of Souji running away in the middle of the night – well, actually, he had been with Souji during the middle of the night – Souji, then, running away in the early dawn, scarred forever by the unwanted advance made from the incredibly stupid man he had once admired-

"Souji wasn't feeling well," Kondou said, frowning a little. "He kept dropping his bokken. _Souji_ did! What on earth did you do to him last night, Toshi?"

Hijikata tensed. "What do you mean what I do?" he demanded uneasily.

"Souji was supposed to be learning the pleasures of intimacy and he comes back with his arm sliced up," Kondou lectured sternly. "Just what kind of place did you actually take him to, na Toshi?"

Oh, that. Hijikata relaxed slightly. How bizarre the world when negligently getting your young charge cut by a thug's dagger was actually the preferable memory. Well, not preferable, god not preferable to that aching sweet touch of mouths, but safer. Much, much safer.

Kondou peered at him. "Are _you_ alright? You look pale. You didn't get hurt too, did you?"

"I'm fine," Hijikata said quickly.

"Did you two have a fight?" Kondou pressed, pursing his lips and studying his friend. "Souji's been quiet all morning and you're jumpy as a cat." He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Yamanami and I shouldn't have pushed you into taking Souji to the Red Lily. We just thought he was finally ready for it, but obviously some things come at their own pace."

Hijikata desperately tried to block the alluring picture of Souji cumming at his own pace.

"Uhr mmm."

"What was that, Toshi?"

With an effort, Hijikata cleared his throat. "I'll talk to him," he said reluctantly.

"I'd appreciate it," Kondou said grinning widely with bright, easy, relief. "I wouldn't want him to be mad at us." He clapped a grateful hand on Hijikata's shoulder. "Please take care of him, eh?"

Trying not to visualize taking care of Souji, Hijikata nodded glumly and headed to the kitchen for breakfast.

* * *

Souji was in the yard sweeping leaves listlessly when Hijikata finally ran out of ways to procrastinate. The sun was high, signaling the approach of lunchtime, and the yard was quiet, most of the men having gone home for lunch and the others seeking out the shade of the back of the dojo.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Hijikata Toshizou had no idea what to say.

"Hijikata-san," Souji greeted him softly as he made his way over to the younger man.

"Souji," he acknowledged stiffly. "You shouldn't be sweeping with that arm. Kondou-san said you were having trouble with the bokken."

Souji flushed, looking a cross between embarrassed and petulant. "I only dropped it once," he complained. "It was just learning how to compensate."

"Well, maybe if you rest now Kat-chan will let you supervise the afternoon practice. Otherwise I'm stuck with it."

He must have been nervous – hell, he knew he was nervous – thesedays he usually only called Kondou by his old name to his face.

Souji almost seemed to flinch at Hijikata's grumbles. "I'm sorry," he said, voice soft again. "I can do the practices, really. Kondou-san is too protective."

Hijikata cleared his throat awkwardly. "He thinks, uh, you're upset because of the brothel thing. You know, he and Yamanami were just trying to be nice."

"Mm hmm," Souji ducked his head down to study the broom intently. "I'm not upset."

Hijikata really wanted to run away again, say briskly, well okay then, that's fine, see you at dinner; but neither of them deserved that.

"And," he forced himself to say, "about the other thing."

Souji's head shot up. "I told you, my arm's fine!" he protested, clutching the broom possessively as if afraid Hijikata was going to try to wrench it out of his hands.

Hijikata stifled an urge to break that broom over his young dense head. "No," he ploughed on doggedly instead, "I mean the _other _other thing."

"Oh." A flush of a different kind rose in Souji's cheeks. "Are you . . . angry at me?" he asked plaintively.

Hijikata choked, interrupted from silently chanting _must not ravish Souji _to himself, by the sudden inexplicable question.

"Angry at—what are you talking about?" he demanded. "I'm the one who damn well forced a kiss on you. If anyone should be angry . . . ."

"But you kissed me because I didn't do my job at the Red Lily," Souji whispered, looking miserable. "I'm sorry my selfishness made you have to feel sorry for me like that."

And that was Souji all over, never remembering that other people were evil, conniving creatures. Never believing that Hijikata, at least, was.

Hijikata fought the sudden urge to sit on the ground and laugh – or cry. "Souji," he said forcefully, "I did not feel sorry for you. You did not make me kiss you. I wanted to kiss you. Hell, I've wanted to kiss you for so long now it seems crazy. I impinged upon you, not the other way around."

Souji blinked. "You wanted to kiss me?" he echoed innocently.

"Oh god Souji," Hijikata groaned. "You have no idea. I'm sorry, I can't even blame it on being drunk but I promise you it won't happen again."

Souji's eyes were as big as the world. "It . . . won't?"

Abruptly, the day seemed to shift yet again. Hijikata felt his heart began to beat faster, like at the start of a match. "Unless you want it to," he said carefully.

"I . . ." Souji looked torn, confused.

"Souji," Hijikata could barely force out the words, "did you like it when I kissed you?"

Souji still looked uncertain. "I . . ." he said hesitantly, "I was surprised . . . ."

"But if I kiss you again," Hijikata said slowly, voice deepening with predatory instinct, "Souji-kun won't be surprised this time, will he? He can decide carefully what he thinks about it, can't he?"

Souji hesitated, then nodded, expression tight but eyes echoing Hijikata's vibrations.

Blood singing a hot, wicked tune, Hijikata reached over and grabbed one hand. "Leave that," he ordered, nodding at the broom, and strode toward the small group of trees by the fence of the dojo, moving so fast Souji had to stumble to keep up.

"Hijikata-san, is this a good place to—" Souji said uncertainly, but Hijikata's quick, barely restrained mouth cut him off.

"It's fine," Hijikata muttered authoratatively when they surfaced again for breath. "No one else can see. We're fine here."

He moved back to cover Souji's mouth before another protest could form – afterward if Souji decided he didn't like it, Hijikata would take the decision like a man. But until then, he was going to use every trick he knew to get the verdict he had dreamed about so often.

At first, as Hijikata skillfully nudged open Souji's mouth, sucking on the younger man's soft lips, pushing in with his tongue to lap up the taste of his mouth, Souji stood passively as he had done the night before, not resisting but not participating either. Then, hesitantly but with quickly growing confidence, he began to kiss back, deftly mirroring Hijikata's actions, leaning into the motion and sending desire surging so strongly through Hijikata that his whole head rang with it.

Not just his head.

Breathing roughly, Hijikata broke the kiss again, grinning ferally at the disappointed expression on Souji's face. Intently, he reached for the shoulder of Souji's yukata and pulled it up from the obi about the younger man's waist, creating enough give that he could push back the material to expose Souji's collar and a healthy expanse of pale smooth chest. Still moving with a deliberateness hard to stop, he bent down to nip at Souji's neck, then as Souji tensed at the unexpected sensation, Hijikata began to work his way down the neck, sucking and biting and teasing with his tongue, over the collarbone and pushing aside the yukata to free more skin, licking gently over one exposed nipple until Souji's reticence was completely broken down and he was whimpering and gasping at each touch, squirming to receive more sensation.

It took all of Hijikata's control not to continue immediately to the part of Souji that he knew would make the soft noises he was making right now turn to full-throated cries of pleasure. But it was worth the pause as he took in Souji's flushed, panting figure, eyes a glimmering purple darkened with the new experience of arousal.

"Well," he whispered huskily, thumb rubbing against the sensual mouth, "do you like this?"

Swallowing, eyes still gleaming, just as Hijikata knew his own must be, Souji nodded. "Yes," he whispered, "please continue Hijikata-san."

Those words were better than all the times he had imagined Souji saying them.

"Uh uh," Hijikata chastized gently, picking up one of Souji's slender hands to caress the fingers possesively. "This time you have to help, too."

Bending in to kiss the boy again, he moved Souji's hand between the folds of his yukata and fundoshi and folded it over Hijikata's throbbing erection. Eyes widening in surprise, Souji instinctively grasped the member and Hijikata hissed with pleasure against the younger man's mouth.

"Like this," he instructed, reaching his own hand into the folds of Souji's own clothing and pressing teasingly against the younger man's arousal

Souji reacted unhesitatingly with wide-eyed, gasping approval, the noises sounding so sweet he hated to drown them out with the kisses he was still desperate for. The very fact that he, Hijikata, had made Souji hard, had made Souji beg for more, was enough to make him cum immediately, but he curbed his desire, breath coming in darts as Souji grew familiar enough with the passionate rhythm to be able to mimic Hijikata's motions, moving against the older man in tandem with Hijikata's own exploration.

It was going too fast – the months of imagination turning into reality were destroying Hijikata's control. To prolong the pleasure of Souji willing and pliable in his hands, Hijikata pulled back, body aching with the lack of contact, and murmuring Souji's name, slid down his knees, pushing back the yukata to expose the younger man's perfect arousal. Even half dressed against a tree, Souji was truly beautiful.

Souji had sighed as Hijikata slipped his hand away from him, but still trusting he didn't move as he watched Hijikata sink to his knees, only shivered slightly as Hijikata ran his hands up Souji's legs, enjoying the smooth flesh, relishing the freedom Souji was allowing him.

And now Hijikata didn't hesitate, let his instincts take over and move his hands, his mouth, letting all of the new sounds he teased from Souji – sounds that belonged to _him_, that no one would else had ever heard from the tensai - quiver through his body, just as Souji trembled in and against him.

Souji's gasps quickened, his fingers twining convulsively through Hijikata's dark hair, his attempts to speak continually cut off by the next wave of pleasure. _"Hiji . . . hijika . . . hi . . . -"_

Damned if Hijikata was going to let him time to finish that name.

He was confident in this as he was in any battle, commanding and taking in the tensai's climax with all the triumph of the long-denied victory, as Souji's gasps quickened, deepened, twined up and plunged down into that final low, sweet cry Hijikata had imagined to perfection on many a long night.

Swallowing, Hijikata held on until the younger man had stopped shivering, then raised himself to capture Souji's mouth for a long, satisfied kiss.

"And did you like that?" he asked contently to the dazed boy in his arms.

"Aa, Hijikata-san, didn't it look like I was enjoying it?' Souji asked bashfully, although his happy grin said he wasn't as embarrassed as he seemed.

"In that case . . . . " once again, Hijikata guided Souji's hand toward his desperately needy cock, and felt an extra glow of pleasure when Souji quickly followed with the other hand as well.

Lips locked possessively together, Hijikata let Souji take the initiative this time as the younger man explored with hands and mouth. Hijikata shivered as Souji tugged on his earlobe and delighted with the discovery, Souji began to suck and nibble even more. The pleasure he showed at making Hijikata react was the final straw. With a low, satisfied moan, Hijikata grabbed the younger man and lifted him higher against the tree, pumping through Souji's sweat-slicked hands in a final series of deep thrusts until he came with a body-deep shudder.

The long, contented moment that followed was broken by the bell signaling the beginning of afternoon practice.

"Damn," Hijikata groaned, the sound sounding entirely different from his previous groans. "Practice. I've gotta go."

"It's my job—" began Souji, stepping out of Hijikata's embrace. Before he had taken two steps however, his knees suddenly buckled.

"Souji!" Hijikata lunged to catch the tottering tensai, glancing at the younger man's white face with a frown.

"Shit, we shouldn't have been doing something like this when you were injured, too much strain." Hijikata crouched by him anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm fine," Souji insisted, moving to sit down. He glanced up at Hijikata with a tentative, sly smile. "Maa, maybe the stories I heard from the woman are right about Hijikata being a powerful man."

"Idiot," Hijikata swatted at the tensai's head. "Nobody should have sex right after an injury. Now sit still for the rest of the afternoon or I'll get Kondou-san to withhold your dessert at dinner. Na?"

Hastily tidying his skewed clothing, Hijikata hurried across the empty yard. When he paused to look back, Souji was already kneeling to straighten out his rucked up yukata.

* * *

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: Neither in real life nor in genre are any of these characters mine.

WARNINGS: WAFF and general yaoi-ness.

A/N: d'oh, I forgot I hadn't posted this second part, which was obviously counter-productive since it contains the point of this silly little story!

* * *

Things Worth Changing pt 2

* * *

Hijikata didn't see Souji again until evening, although the memory of their encounter after all the worry of the previous night kept him in such a good mood that he was accused of nearly smiling by several of the dojo regulars. To prove their assumption wrong he promptly beat the crap out of them during practice, but he was just as glad that Kondou and Sannen weren't around just yet. They were stupid about most things, but still he didn't feel like seeing them until he had settled down a little.

Souji didn't appear in the dojo; evidently he had taken Hijikata's dessert threat seriously. Hijikata himself decided to skip dinner. He was feeling ancy and writing a few haiku before bed might help – although given the thoughts on his mind any poems he composed would be bound to be x-rated.

Perhaps, in truth, he simply retired to his room to see if Souji would follow him there. Hijikata had no qualms about searching out the tensai, if needbe, but it would be more convenient, not to mention gratifying, if Souji initiated the next stage. Therefore, Hijikata was unabashedly pleased when, later that evening – he hadn't managed any haiku after all, being too jittery for counting out syllables – the door to his room slid silently open and Souji's familiar, enticing form knelt politely at the entrance.

"Hijikata-san? I brought you some tea and snacks, in case you wanted something. . . " the tensai offered, the new, slightly tentative note in the words matching the more formal way he waited to be allowed into the room. Usually he just bounded in without any respect for decorum.

"Aa," Hijikata agreed easily, leaning back to eye the tensai. "I am a little _hungry._" He barely managed to wait impatiently as Souji carefully moved the tray to his low writing table, then reached out and snared the younger man around the waist.

Souji allowed himself to be pulled toward Hijikata, but did not relax into the movement the way he had expected the tensai to. Belatedly, Hijikata noticed a strange stiffness in Souji's posture, the way the young man didn't look him in the eye. He frowned. It didn't feel like rejection, but what was wrong? Souji certainly hadn't been like this before. Then he had been, if not confident in what he wanted, then at least eager, pliable . . . .

"Souji," he said, trying not to sound sharp, "what is it?" Instinctively he tightened the grip around the tensai's waist, causing the younger man to at least look at him. "Didn't you like it before?"

Souji's face remained neutral, but something tensed in it at the question.

"Hai," he answered in a voice strangely devoid of emotion. "I liked the . . . sex."

There was something about the way he said the word . . . .

Hijikata froze, arm around Souji's waist dropping limply.

What had Souji said that night, _I would want it to be with someone I loved _ and he had agreed.

And what had he said, _What love life? It's just sex_'. What had he called that morning? _sex after an injury._

"I see," he said slowly. "I'm sorry. It was your first time for something like that. I shouldn't have been so brusque afterward."

"Ah, no, Hijikata-san should act naturally," Souji said loyally, managing a smile. "He's never been good at pretending."

Pretending? Natural? Was Souji saying it was natural for him to get what he wanted and then run off? . . . Oh shit. It was. Hijikata racked his memory. Had he acted toward Souji just like he had toward the women he casually seduced? The ones who meant nothing more than something to let him relax, take his mind off things, and then casually dismiss before things got too complicated . . . .

But Souji . . . .he didn't think of Souji like that . . . did he?

He thought frantically back to that afternoon. On any other day, in any other circumstances, would he have ever behaved like that, leaving Souji injured and dizzy and _alone _just because of a practice? The answer was like a blow: of course not, it was unthinkable. He would never do such a thing – and yet he had without a second thought. If someone else had come to him with a similar excuse for abandoning Souji he would be lucky to escape with only a thrashing, and yet Hijikata himself had blithely trotted off without sensing anything unusual about it.

What had happened to him?

It hadn't been that he wanted to get away from Souji! Far from it, the urge to bury himself in the younger man and never let go had been overwhelming. But still, to take his pleasure, smile and leave had seemed, at the time, entirely . . . .

. . . normal.

And it would have been, Hijikata realized with a shiver, with anyone else. And any of his girls would have pouted or complained or maybe thrown something but still smiled and been ready for more anyhow, anytime, without ceremony or preamble or even, really, any attempt at politeness.

Except . . . except this wasn't any of his girls. This was Souji and Souji was always, always, different. Souji was _important _and if anybody ever tried to trifle with him, Hijikata Toshizou (and Kat-chan and Yamanami and half of the doujo) would dismember that person without compunction because Souji could never, ever, be hurt or used. Souji could never be made to look like this, painfully smiling and unsure. Unsure of Hijikata, who he was always supposed to understand just as he had always understood his moods and unspoken thoughts – until now. Souji was not supposed to be broken, because, Hijikata knew, somehow everything would break along with him.

He looked, stricken, at the younger man kneeling next to him. All those months of attraction and daydreams, did they really all come down simply to him wanting physical satisfaction from the tensai? Had it just been a challenge to him? Seeing how long he could resist, just to increase the thrill of the final capitulation. Was he that damn sick?

Mistaking Hijikata's frozen silence for disapproval, Souji looked at him uncertainly. "Does Hijikata-san want anything more?" he asked, the awkwardness in his question making it innocently clear what he was offering.

There was nothing passionate now in the tensai's gaze, just earnest and uncertain eyes full of resolve. Were they sad, those eyes? Had Hijikata, in the course of one day, already made Souji hurt?

He looked away, disgusted by his own body's instant reaction to the boy's offer even as his mind screamed remonstrances. "No, Souji," he said hoarsely. "I just – we'll talk later."

"Hai, Hijikata-san," Souji said expressionlessly, and gathered the tray and left.

Hijikata sat alone and cursed himself. He was beginning to think that seppuku was not such a bad idea after all.

* * *

The night was dark, which suited Hijikata's mood well. The night was also crowded, which didn't.

"Toshi!" Kondou hailed his longtime friend from the engawa as Hijikata moodily emerged around a corner through the gathering dusk. "You look mournful."

"It's just the starlight."

"Toshi, it's cloudy tonight."

"Then why are you out here?" Hijikata asked, annoyed. He had come outside to try and clear his head and the last thing he wanted was a talk to clutter it back up.

Kondou sighed contentedly. "It smells like rain. It's in the air, na? Cool and clear; makes you want to be a better person, a smell like that, don't you think?"

Cool and clear, kissing Souji had been like that, under the heat and heady triumph.

"You're already a good enough person, Kat-chan," Hijikata said absently, settling himself down next to his friend more out of habit than desire of company. "If you get any better I might have to kill myself."

"Still pretending to be a villain?" Kondou asked good-naturedly. "I always thought it was just an act to get dates."

"I don't want to get dates!" The loudness of Hijikata's voice startled them both. "I'm tired of getting dates," he went on in a lower tone. "It starts out fun but then it just gets complicated and you spend all your time worrying about whether you hurt them and how they feel and whether it's reasonable that you're happier around them and you stay awake at night worrying about what would happen if they leave and thinking how cute they looked this morning before they brushed their hair and– what?" he broke off irritably as Kondou stared open-mouthed at him.

"Toshi," Kondou said slowly, "you _never _do any of that. You're absolutely merciless. Sentimental in no way, shape or form. Isn't that why you pick the rough girls? Because the good girls are the ones that want all those things you don't want to give."

"I don't like good girls?" Hijikata said, surprised. He tried to remember the girls in his past. Hadn't some of them been good or innocent or even nice? Hadn't even one of them looked at him with that gaze of complete trust, innocent of all expectation?

Kondou shook his head emphatically. "You'd crush them in a second, Toshi, the good ones. They're too soft. But I've always thought you didn't really like the vicious ones either. You've just never quite found anyone strong enough for you, have you?"

Somehow, his friend's words made him want to sigh. Instead, Hijikata leaned back to stare at the starless sky. The wind curled a hint of cool rain around him, pushing clear scent through his hair. _Kind of makes you want to be a better person, huh? _

"It's just . . . complicated this time," he muttered at last. "I may have made a miscalculation somewhere."

"She's not pregnant, is she?" Kondou blurted, sudden panic touching his voice. "Will you have to pay for a seclusion?"

"What? No!" Hijikata shoved at Kondou irritably. "It's not like that – we haven't even really – we've just fooled around a little, that's all."

"You haven't even slept with this person and yet you're already like this, mooning around in the dark?" Kondou asked with a note of awe in his voice. "Has life on Earth ended as we know it?"

"First, I'm not _mooning around_," snapped Hijikata, "and second shut up and third . . .I have no idea why I'm even talking about this with you anyway."

_Kind of makes you want to be a better person, huh?_

"I'm no good for anyone anyhow," he muttered. "I should break it off quickly so things can get back to normal, but if that person gets upset . . . dammit, I shouldn't have done anything in the first place." He pushed a frustrated hand through his long bangs. "Na, Kat-chan, tell me how the nice people do this."

To his ire, Kondou just burst out laughing.

"Toshi," he said fondly, "maybe you're overthinking whatever this is. You've always been good at complicated, but when it comes to simple . . . well. Trusting your gut isn't always a bad idea."

"You don't know my gut," Hijikata said glumly.

"'Course I do!" Kondou prodded a finger in said area. "After all these years, I probably know it better than you. And I know every time your gut tells you to do something good, you get scared that you're going soft and try to do the opposite. But some things are worth risking a little, you know? Maybe what you should do right now is decide if this is one of those things."

Hijikata stayed slumped on the engawa as Kondou retreated for the night, feeling the soft push of the rain-sweet air around him.

_Kind of makes you want to be a better person, huh?_

_

* * *

_

Souji was in his sleeping yukata, leaning against the small table in his room and doodling pictures, when Hijikata pushed open the sliding door. He flinched to see the surprise, apprehension, tension, then acceptance in the familiar, usually so clear, eyes.

Without a word, he kicked off his shoes, stepped into the room and circled the tensai, kneeling down behind him. Then, sighing, he let himself fall forward until his forehead rested heavily against the younger man's tensed back.

He heard rather than saw the surprise of the younger man. "Hijik-"

"Souji," he cut the tensai off, leaning into the warmth of his body, "I'm not a nice person. I know I'm not. I don't even want to be. But for this – for you – teach me how. I ask you. Teach me how to be a good person for you."

There was a paralyzing silence. Then slowly Souji started to breathe again. Hijikata knew it was the tensai, because he himself was still holding his breath.

"Maa, well, let's see . . ." Souji said finally in a pondering tone. " . . . You know what we did earlier in the yard? Maybe if you do that a lot more times that would be a good start. And also buy me a lot of candy whenever I ask. And I'd really like a pet, I saw the cutest piglings in town the other day. . . ."

Hijikata's head jerked up to glare accusingly as the younger man craned his head to look around at him. "You're joking? You think it's funny?" he demanded, falling back on his knees, "I was baring my soul there!"

Souji's expression changed like the flicker of moonlight. "I like your soul, Hijikata-san," he said seriously.

Hijikata looked away. "You shouldn't," he muttered. "It's capable of evil things."

He felt Souji shift and move closer, lay his head against Hijikata's arm quietly.

"Hijikata-san's soul is the thing I trust most in this world."

Suddenly, Hijikata felt like laughing. "Ahhh, Souji," he groaned, shaking his head, "are you _trying_ to make me jump you?"

Souji tilted his head up, finger pressing thoughtfully against his mouth. "Well, now that you mention it. . . ."

Later, Hijikata would think back on this moment and wonder, really, it was that easy all along? For the moment, however, he just knew he was suddenly, intensely, in a way he couldn't quite remember experiencing, happy. He didn't usually do happy, but for now, for this . . . .

Letting himself grin, not a wolfish smile, just something uncomplicated and pleased and, if the truth be told, somewhat full of wonder, Hijikata scooped the tensai into his lap, relishing the way this time Souji melted into his embrace without hesitation, creating little curls of pleasure as he squirmed to get comfortable.

"Why did I ever think I was the grown up one," Hijikata murmured half to himself, sliding a hand into Souji's yukata and trying not to smirk at the way the tensai arched into the contact.

"Ah, well, you know I did just have a birthday," Souji teased, then gasped a little happily as Hijikata's mouth worked along his neck.

Hijikata smoothly spilled the tensai onto the tatami and leaned down gently over him.

"You think that makes you able to take on the world?" he teased, licking along the flat planes of Souji's abdomen just to watch the younger man wriggle.

"But I suppose some parts of it need changing . . . . " he added thoughtfully, because if Souji could change _him_ this much, then maybe anything was possible. Hijikata paused, imagining, though his hands were still busy sliding up Souji's legs. "You might just be able to do it. But-" he added, admonishing "-not alone."

Souji shuddered at the pressure. "Funny," he said breathlessly, reaching his arms up to twine around Hijikata's body, "I was thinking the same thing about you."

He met Hijikata's lips for a kiss, then smiled gently up at the older man. "As long as we're together, we could take on anything, ne?"

A bizarre, warm fluttery feeling flooded Hijikata's chest at those words. Together…

"Yeah," he agreed, the sentiment much more than the simple word, and this time their kiss lasted a very long time.

They would be together, come what may. He had never thought otherwise.

* * *

"Maa," Kondou said with satisfaction to Yamanami, joining him at the low table of his room with a cup of steaming tea. "So Toshi finally figured it out."

"It did take him long enough, though, didn't it?" Yamanami said thoughtfully. "After the way he's been sighing after Souji-kun for all these months . . ."

"Ah, he's never been very smart when it comes to things like this," Kondou said affectionately. "The look on his face when we suggested he take Souji to the Red Lily, though – priceless!"

"Do you think they'll be all right from now, so easily?" Yamanami asked, lightly touching the abacus tucked into his sash, as if attempting to calculate the chances of happiness in the world.

"Of course," Kondou said simply. "They've got us. We've got them. Whatever happens, we're all in it together, right? There's no other way it can work."

In the garden, light rain began to fall.

* * *

the end

A/N: Somehow I really love Kondou-san.


End file.
